Dear Sallu Anna,
Myself Kamalamma from Kunjibettu in Udupi.
What to tell you, yesterday I am simply sitting and minding my own business and the Mister is suddenly saying, oho … snake is coming. Then what is happening, Kamalamma is screaming like heroine in Hindi horror film and jumping up on dining table. Then the Mister is saying aiyyo Kamalamma, why you are standing on our dining table if snake is coming to Salman Khan’s house?
Abbabba, he should tell that first only no! My heart is beating and keeps on repeating for half an hour afterwards. What to do? Kamalamma is too much afraid of cockroach, lizard, rat …. and snake meanssss next level only!
What to tell you, one time I am watching one film Snakes in the Plane. Where I am watching it? In the plane only. Inflight entertainment it seems! After that I am seeing snakes everywhere for many days. Inside luggage, in the bathroom, under the bed, inside cupboard. Tchah! Why they are making such kind of movies, only Udupi Sri Krishna knows!
Anyway, after coming down to earth from dining table, I am asking the Mister how such thing is happening with our beloved Sallu. It seems you are celebrating your birthday somewhere in jungle and snake is coming inside your house. Ohoho … But it is good that you are not hitting it on the head with stick like other people, but taking it outside. You are being human and I am thinking for such good act of yours, your fans will be so much happy and they will put petition for Modi ji to give you one Bharat Ratna at least. If in Chennai then one temple they would build for you 100%, but I am not knowing much about your Mumbai fans. Maybe they will name vada pav after you.
But Kamalamma is more interested in other issues than vada pav and all. First of all, why snake is coming to your house? The Mister is having some bright ideas and saying maybe snake is thinking swag se karega Sallu ka swagat and then maybe le le selfie with him. But Kamalamma is not happy with such stories. I am thinking, when you are nicely taking snake outside like one good boy, why it is biting you? And not once, not twice, but 3 times it is biting, it seems. Why? This act is having any significance? Whether there is meaning for this in our ancient shastras or not; in Kamalamma’s shastras there is full explanation.
What I am thinking … this snake is maybe one ichaadhaari saamp and it is coming now in snake form but it is actually judge from High court, who is sending you to jail in Jodhpur and all, after so many years of court case, remember? And what you are doing? You are coming out with bail next day itself! So much embarrassment for judges no! Tchah! It is like mothers who are punishing child inside bedroom for making mischief and father is coming home and saying no problem son, come out I will give ice cream. Then mothers will become like one angry ssssaamp and make dhusss at father and son no!
Like that, those 3 judges who are sending you to jail 3 times are coming back like snake now and biting you 3 times. I am fully believing in this theory. In other countries, snakes are simply behaving like snakes and sliding here and there among bushes but our Indian snakes are different, so such things are very much possible.
The Mister is not happy with my theory but I know, he is only jealous. He is maybe thinking if Karan Johar reads my story, then he will make one movie out of it starring Sallu Anna, and after next Eid festival, Kamalamma will become full famous.
So, before the Mister turns himself into jealous snake and comes dhuss at Kamalamma, I will end this letter with prayers to keep you away from all snakes, black bucks and footpaths in the coming years.