Dear Vir anna,
Myself Kamalamma from Kunjibettu in Udupi.
How are you? I hope you are having some time to sit down and read my letter, otherwise you stand-up people are full busy with houseful shows here, there and everywhere. Kamalamma is sometimes thinking what is state of the world nowadays – we have to buy tickets and sit inside auditorium if we want to laugh! Then the Mister is saying, ohoho … Kamalamma, so much deep thoughts, you are turning into philosopher or what?
Then I am thinking maybe we need stand-up comedians to make us laugh because sit-down housewives like Kamalamma is not able to tell even one joke properly. What to tell you! That day I am starting to tell one nice joke and all people are waiting to laugh and what is happening? I am forgetting punch line! Tchah … full embarrassment is there. Then what I am doing? I am slowly opening my whatsapp and reading out the joke like minister is reading speech! Nobody is even smiling, forget about laughing. Yebbe!
But what about your recent speech which you are giving in Kennedy Centre? It seems auditorium is houseful and your speech is going viral! But one thing I am not able to understand – why you are taking so long to explain where you are coming from? Full speech you are only telling audience – I come from this India and I come from that India! Ohoho …. those American people are not understanding who you are with one line introduction or what?
After your speech I don’t know whether anybody in the audience is understanding where you are coming from, but we people are now fully confused. Abbabba! As if there is not enough confusion here already.
You are telling those people about two Indias, but we people here are already knowing that there are two Indias since long back – one is North India which is in Punjab and other is South India which was first in Madras. Whenever I am meeting some north people and telling them I am from South India, they are nodding their heads and saying, oho … Madrasi, uh?
But afterwards it seems all South Indians are shifting from Madras to Kerala. When they are shifting and why they are shifting only Udupi Lord Krishna knows, but now whenever I am meeting any north persons they are directly saying, Kamalamma, you are Malabari? And they are asking why we people from Kerala are having bath in coconut oil and whether our main meal is banana chips. Then I am saying no, no, I am Kannnada.
Then those people are asking from where in Canada? Abbabba! After that, for full half-an-hour they are telling about their bua’s son who is living in Ontario and their chachi’s daughter who is living in Toronto and their beta and bahu who are living somewhere in that Canada! I am simply nodding my head. Who will sit and explain about Kannada and Canada to these people?
And same like that, we people in the south are thinking North India means it is in Punjab and all Punjabis are drinking gin and rum in the evening and dancing bhangra and saying balle balle first thing when they are waking up in the morning. And from where we are learning all this? From Karan Johar anna in Bollywood, so all information is full verified and certified, no!
So, until now, all Indians are happy with this much knowledge about our country but now what is happening? You are standing up on stage and saying you are coming from some other two Indias about which we are not knowing at all!
Why you are confusing an already confused nation and its people about where they are coming from? What for you – you can give two pages long introduction about yourself and people will listen. But what about people like Kamalamma? If I start introducing myself like that, people will say ta-ta bye-bye before I open my mouth!
Anyway, now I am saying ta-ta bye-bye and ending this letter,
With much love and some confusion,
This post was first published in the Times of India under my blog title The Witty Wordsmith