Oh the Agony of it all!

Apart from the ‘ever-so popular’, ‘breaking-all-records’ humor blog that I update from time to time, probably unknown to you all, I also run a regular weekly Agony Aunt’s column under the title – NOSEY NEIGHBOURHOOD AUNT.

It happens to be a hugely popular site judging from all the mail flooding my inbox; in fact I suspect it is more visited and ‘liked’ than my normal blog site! I mean, I totally understand. The public is in agony and in no mood to be sidetracked by a lot of words – humorous or otherwise. People have problems – they want advice and they want it fast, and for free.

And this is where I come in…..

Some excerpts from the column :

1.   Dear Nosey Aunt,
I am in Grade 11. We are a family of doctors and my parents want me to be one too. Unfortunately I don’t. I actually want to go to Drama School. What should I do?

– Agonised Artist

Dear AA,
You got to convince them about your drama skills first, so show ’em some.  What you do is – tonight, announce calmly that you’ve set your heart on becoming a beautician; tell them how much you’re looking forward to waxing all those fat legs and sweaty underarms. Give them 2 days to get their breath and voice back and then… inform them that you do understand their feelings, so you’ve changed your mind and are now considering ART as a career choice. Trust me son, they’ll be up and about in no time collecting information on the best Acting Institutes in town. Good luck! 😉

2. Dear Aunt Nosey,
I’m a failure. I’m good for nothing and I’m pretty sure that I’m never going to be good at anything. Lately I’ve been feeling suicidal and I’m considering slitting my wrists or something. Do you think I should go ahead? Please help!                 

– Good for nothing

Dear  er….. whatever,
No, I don’t think you should go ahead. In fact I’m pretty much sure about it.  Didn’t you just say you’re good for nothing! Well, you’ll simply end up making a mess. And as for the ‘please help’ bit, I’ve got to admit I’m not much good either…..why I can’t even slit a chilly  myself. So I advise you to think of something else. Take your time – I’m always here.  I’m good at that! In the meantime keep good cheer. 🙂

3. Dear Madam,
My wife is a total disaster in the kitchen. She is unable to even boil a potato properly ( even with step-by-step video instructions, mind you) I haven’t had one decent square meal since my marriage.

 -Perpetually Hungry Husband

Dear Hungry Husband,
Just for your information, potatoes cause ‘bloating, flatulence, gas and can make you miserable and destroy the quality of your life’* And besides, good square meals, my good man, can lead to a good round tummy. Would you want that? Decide and let me know. We’ll take it from there.

4. Dearest Aunty,
I am a great fan of yours. I try not to miss your column every week and I’m always amazed at how you manage to hit at the right solution and advice each time. I hope  you can help me too. My husband complains to whoever listens to him that I am a hopeless cook, that I cannot even boil a potato and so on and so forth ….. And all this when I try so much . Believe me I really do try.
                            – Kitchen Disaster.
Dear Kitchen Disaster,
(Dear me… This does sound familiar…. or is it that déjà vu thingy!!)
You poor poor child. Of course you try. I believe you. Next time the ungrateful man complains, just look him in the eye, flutter your eyelids and ask him if he wants a wife or Gordon Ramsay!

5. Dear Aunt Nosey,
I have a strange problem and I’m hoping you can help me. My husband is the strong, silent, emotionless type with a perpetual dead-pan, expressionless poker face, whatever the gossip – however juicy it may be. I fear I am slowly going mad waiting for a decent response from him.
                                    – Frustrated Emotional Wife
Dear FEW,
These men!! I have just the solution for you my dear…. Listen carefully. Tonight, get into your best night gown, switch off the bedroom lights and wait in the dark. As soon as the husband enters the room, jump out from behind the door shouting “Booooooo……” as loud as you can. If that doesn’t elicit a response from him, I’ll eat my column. I promise you. Happy Boooing! 🙂

So there you are folks, so many people out there with so many issues – and so few people to help. I’m just doing my bit, you see, to spread goodness and cheer all around. If any of you in the big bad cyber world want advice and some e-help just write in and the aunt in me will rise to the occasion and respond promptly and suitably!

Cheers to a problem-free world. 🙂

* taken from Dr Harry Morrow Brown’s website on Allergies.