Dale Carnegie’s ‘How to win friends and influence people’ is one of the first self-help books ever to be published. This hugely popular best-selling book on self-improvement and interpersonal skills has so won me over and influenced me [just from the blurb; I haven’t even read the whole book yet] that I’m embarking on a similar ambitious project myself. Based on some observations of the people around and from my personal experiences, I’m nearly done with my manuscript for ‘How to make enemies and drive people away‘. While Carnegie’s core idea was that ‘it’s possible to change other people’s behaviour by changing one’s behaviour towards them’, mine is built on the belief that ‘it’s not just possible, its ridiculously easy to drive people up the wall and keep them there by one’s behaviour towards them’!
My top-of-the-chart block-buster [I am in no doubt it’s going to be one] will more or less follow the same pattern as the original. It’s the Master’s tried and tested path after all! As a summer treat to my readers, I’m giving them a sneak preview of my magnum-opus. Here’s what one can expect from this 4 part book with illustrations, examples and first-hand experiences……
Ch.1 Fundamental techniques in mishandling people.
One has to get one’s basics right if one is to build up one’s BEF list [Best Enemies Forever]. Obscene hand gestures, rude faces laced with juicy 4-letter words ensures this, instructs my 1st chapter. The nastier, the better! This guy at the traffic signal is sure to make instant and long-lasting enemies, when he honks at the vehicles ahead of him the instant the signal changes to green. And if he accompanies that by making rude faces there’s nothing like it! All of us waiting at the signal have seen it going green the same second that he has and our foot’s on the pedal….. We’re all in a rush and none of us have any plans of pitching a tent at the cross roads and chanting hymns! But that doesn’t stop him from honking and shaking his fist at us. So, as far as techniques go, I would say this guy is on the right track. If, later, any of us sees this guy with an over-heated engine or a punctured tyre, we’ll sail by honking and making funny faces. That’s what good enemies do anyway!
CH.2 How to change people by arousing resentment and antagonism.
This chapter advises readers not to expect change from others but be the one to bring about change. Don’t change for the better, go for the worse! When watching a thrilling suspense at the theatre, and this person’s mobile goes off with a cacophony of a ring tone [his taste in music should win him enemies if nothing else], and the following conversation takes place in the middle of a tense scene on the screen…..
Jingle bang boing screech…….. [ringtone]
Irritating Man [taking his time to answer]: “Yo Wassup…?”
Unknown person: ” …………..! ”
Irritating Man: “Nope, free to talk. I’m just at the movies, y’know”
Unknown person: “…………..!”
Me and 10 others: “Sssssssh…..”.
Irritating Man [ignoring us]: ” No big deal. Seen it before… Her husband’s the killer….!”
Me and [by now] 30, otherwise calm and peaceful moviegoers, grab irritating man and give him a black face and some broken teeth. Brought about a change in his appearance, that did. It could have been worse, of course….
Ch. 3 Six ways to make people dislike you.
There are actually a 100 ways but not wishing to excite my readers right here, I’ll touch upon only one [Do visit my book for the rest]. I’ve discovered through personal experience that one can be a jerk quite easily. I’ve put myself on the ‘most wanted’ list by simply sitting at home and flicking a few buttons. I have this habit of maliciously countering all these FFFs [False and Fake Forwards] hurtling through the WhatsApp social site, by re-posting verified versions of it!! This has resulted in my being up there on several group chat’s Hit list. I have not yet requested for Z category security…… so if I’m found murdered in my bed, checking my last media post should provide some vital clues.
Ch. 4 Ways to win enemies to your way of
This last section in the book would talk about the highest level in the pyramid of the human race – the defiant, obstinate, pig-headed, selfish types. This person can boast of several enemy scalps on his belt by just being himself. A classic case-study is the moron who lives down the neighbourhood at my home-town, who leaves his garbage next to some random neighbor’s compound wall every evening; with a garbage bin just 200 metres down the lane! Even when caught stink-handed several times and admonished, the skunk persists in this stinking habit of his, thus creating his own enviable enemy circle. The rest of the locality have just resigned themselves to his stinking ways now.
So there we go……a curtain raiser of my masterpiece; and I anticipate that this is going to not just create ripples but a veritable tsunami in the literary world……… Now if I could just get my publisher to climb down off the wall!!!
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