Hey Guys, I’m seriously thinking of running for the President of the United States. Well, Google informs me that the minimum qualifications for a US Presidential candidate is that he/she must be a natural born citizen and a resident of that great country for 14 years.Yeah right ! It’s glaringly obvious that any which way you look at it, I don’t fit the bill. Nevertheless, I want to run for the President!!
My friends and well-wishers, kindly souls that they are, will pitch in at this point, and try to nip the thought. They will remind me, among other things, of the punishing schedule of a campaign trail, the formidable opponents at National debates and so on and so forth…. All well-meant advice and I highly appreciate it. But since having got this idea a couple of days ago; I’m convinced that it’s a rocking idea and the absolute need of the hour, for me at least.
Let’s get this thing straight right here, however. This idea of mine’s got nothing to do with the honour, the glory or the power of that haloed position; or any such humbug. If you have noted my words carefully, you may recall that I never claimed that I wanted to BE the President of the United States. Come on guys!! When I’m unable to find the cooking oil whenever I need it in my own kitchen; as the President I doubt if I could decide which country to send my soldiers next, in search of oil!
All I wish to do is to RUN for the President. It seems to me more and more like an attractive prospect and I say this because, as I follow the campaign trail from the past couple of days either on TV or in the newspaper, what catches and holds my attention and interest is the amount of brouhaha generating from the health issues of the Presidential candidate. The newspaper headlines, the exhaustive news coverage, the editorial comments, the TV debates, and what have you, all devoted solely to how the Presidential candidate “feels this morning” !!! The Presidential candidate hiccups and everybody around gives a collective gasp! The Presidential candidate so much as sniffs and the nation……nay the entire world sneezes and seems to catch a cold! How cute is that !!
So take that…… and then take me. I am certainly not in the same league as the US President. But, I am after all the Queen of my kitchen and the mistress of all I survey (even if it’s only pots and pans). But…. and follow my words carefully here, in my household, unless I march around with a placard in front of me saying “I am feeling so so unwell today” no one spares a glance. So what if I catch a massive cold? I’m sniffing and sneezing my way about; my eyes are red and watery and so is my nose. But does anyone notice? Nope… Life in the rest of the house outside the kitchen goes on uninterrupted.
The Presidential nominee clears her throat and a mere fifteen minutes later, medical experts the world over start to analyze it – was it a dry cough, a rasping cough, a wet cough, a barking cough…..should she rest her voice? should she take antibiotics? should she this and should she that! Whereas me!! I cut my finger along with the vegetables; and looking for some sympathy ( I ask for nothing more) I trot along to show it to the husband. As I stand before him holding out my poor injured finger, I can visibly see his brain working overtime, “should I notice her nail polish; are her bangles new; should I admire her slender wrist; should I comment on ……????”; and all the while blood drips merrily from the cut making a small pool on the floor. Someone’s clearly chasing the small picture while missing the big one.
The nominee for the Presidential campaign staggers and stumbles while delivering a speech, and scores of secret service agents swarm around her with so much trained efficiency, so much care, so much concern. As for me ….. I get a sudden dizzy spell while cooking breakfast , and I sway gracefully like a coconut tree in a gentle breeze. Since no one has noticed anyway, I mention it in passing to the husband. He looks me over and opines that I’m probably disoriented because of too much sleep. “Sometimes”, he explains kindly, “the brain gets fuzzy if you oversleep”. And he mumbles something about the serotonin levels in my brain.
The Presidential candidate stops her speech midway to take a swig of water and, you guessed right…… its breaking news the next minute. “It’s weakness! It’s dehydration! Take a break ; get some rest; take it easy!” And …sigh…what about me ? I accidentally drop a heavy bottomed pan; and thanks totally to my guardian angel, it flattens only two out of the five toes on my left foot. The noise of the pan accompanied by my cry of pain is pretty high on the decibels; and I expect someone to hotfoot it kitchen wards with concern and solicitude. But, out in our living room, it’s a silent night…. All is calm…. All is quiet. No one has moved a limb. After a painful catwalk in front of the husband, he finally looks up from the newspaper. When I ask him if he didn’t hear the God Almighty noise in the kitchen he looks sheepish and replies that he thought it was just me banging some pots and pans in a sudden bout of bad temper. Grrrrr!!! Even if I was calm before, I am about to have that sudden bout of bad temper now.
And so it goes on…. I slip and sprain my ankle, I burn my hand with hot oil, I get a slip disc lifting the heavy cooker…… and what happens? Rien, Nada, Niente, Nani Mo…… To impress upon my readers the gravity of the situation, that’s ‘Nothing’ in four different languages! Because absolutely nothing happens. No reaction. Life continues without a pause . The show goes on. The husband continues turning the pages of the newspaper; the TV news anchor continues yelling himself hoarse that “The Nation wants to know….” The winds continue blowing. The clouds continue clouding……. and, at this juncture, I’ll let you in on a secret, I’m mighty glad they do. All you dear people out there, kindly dispel any notion you might have got by now, that I’m looking for sympathy and public discussions on my health status. Not at all. I was just letting my imagination loose and indulging in a little mild jest at the expense of the election run in the US. The Presidential nominees can keep their health debates and their secret service agents. They need them after all, and we certainly don’t grudge them that. As far as I’m concerned I’m now mulling over the idea of releasing my medical updates to my household on a daily basis; something on the lines of, “No I did not oversleep! Just because you didn’t see me in the kitchen doesn’t mean I’m sleeping” or ” I’m feeling under the weather, but I’ll still cook your lunch” or ” The noise you heard half an hour ago was just me falling”. I might put them up on the refrigerator door, accompanied by my vital signs – my BP, my Heart rate, my serotonin levels….!! Not that I seriously expect anyone to see them, of course!